Life has challenges and difficulties. We experience sufferings of various types, from getting sick or past trauma, to the more subtle but pervasive experience of living with uncertainty. Often, when we try to achieve something, we face obstacles and setbacks. And other people can also be challenging.
Most people when they encounter problems, conflict or suffering become miserable. Their pain is amplified by strong feelings of aversion and dislike, often accompanied by a narrative that exaggerates their difficulties. There is an alternative to these reactions—patience.
Patience is a positive state of mind
Patience is a positive state of mind that experiences suffering, difficulty or discomfort and voluntarily endures it without becoming disturbed. Like all positive states of mind, it is virtuous—a happy, relaxed and wise state that helps awaken our inner qualities. Because patience is a response to difficulty, we do not need peace and calm before we can practise it. It can be cultivated in the ordinary frustrations of daily life as well as in life’s greatest challenges.
This means it is possible to become increasingly undisturbed and strong-minded. That may sound utopian or unrealistic, but our emotional reactions are largely habitual.
By repeatedly cultivating patience, we gradually strengthen the habit of responding with calm while weakening the habits of anger and agitation. As these disturbed states settle, the mind’s natural clarity becomes more evident, making patience an increasingly natural and effortless expression of our true nature.
Deep patience is feasible, but it develops gradually. We begin as we are and become a little more patient each day.
Patience is often misunderstood
Patience is the capacity to remain undisturbed in the face of suffering, difficulty or discomfort. It guards the mind from becoming upset by harm or adversity and allows us to endure life’s challenges without losing our inner balance.
The practice of patience is not about removing every difficult person or solving every problem. We can never arrange the world so that nothing unpleasant happens. Instead, patience trains us to pacify our own uncontrolled reactions. In doing so, we become less disturbed by whatever we encounter.
Patience is also often misunderstood. It does not mean being weak, passive or allowing others to take advantage of us. A patient person may still need to act firmly or decisively. The difference is that the response comes from a calm and stable mind rather than from anger or hostility.
Patience creates the mental space to judge what will be most beneficial in a situation. Sometimes that means speaking firmly. Sometimes it means waiting. Sometimes it is acting decisively to address an issue. Sometimes gentleness is more effective. Because the mind is undisturbed, wisdom has room to operate.
Overcoming all forms of anger
The greatest obstacle to patience is anger and hostility. In Buddhism, anger refers to the whole spectrum of reactions from irritation and annoyance through to resentment, judgment, belligerence and hatred. It exaggerates the faults of others, disturbs our peace and clouds our judgment.
When anger dominates the mind there is little room for happiness. We lose our capacity to think clearly, to speak wisely or to act skilfully. We often say or do things that we would never choose in a calm state.
Patience, however, has the opposite effect. It allows us to remain peaceful, rational and emotionally balanced. It strengthens our relationships because calmness naturally influences those around us. A patient person is easier to trust, easier to work with and better able to help others through difficult moments.
How to develop patience in daily life
Patience develops through acquaintance. By repeatedly becoming familiar with patience in small difficulties, we gradually strengthen the habit until it becomes our natural response.
If you can, begin by identifying an occasion where you were undisturbed in the face of some small difficulty and bring that undisturbed feeling to mind. When you next encounter something unpleasant, once again bring that feeling to mind.
Start practicing patience with small frustrations rather than waiting for major life challenges. Use everyday irritations, inconveniences and disappointments as opportunities to widen your capacity for patience. As that capacity grows, you become better able to face larger difficulties, such as illness, loss or uncertainty.
Why worry is unhelpful
Whenever a problem arises, ask yourself whether there is something that can be done to fix it. If there is a solution, then simply set about addressing it. Worry adds nothing to the situation. If there is no solution, then worry is equally unhelpful! Accepting reality with patience prevents unnecessary suffering and allows you to respond with greater clarity.
Over time this simple reflection weakens the habit of anxiety and strengthens confidence. Instead of fearing every difficulty, you gradually develop the attitude: “Whatever comes, I can meet it.”
The core types of patience in Buddhist practice
The first is patience with harm from others
When someone behaves badly, it helps to remember that they are under the influence of their own confusion and suffering. Their actions arise from disturbed states of mind. Rather than immediately retaliating, patience creates the possibility of responding with compassion and good judgment.
The second is the patience of voluntarily enduring suffering
This is the willingness to bear life’s inevitable difficulties without becoming overwhelmed by them. Challenges become opportunities to strengthen resilience, wisdom and compassion, rather than reasons for discouragement.
This also applies to meditation practice. There may be physical discomfort, restlessness or discouragement when we first encounter the turbulence of our own minds. By patiently persevering, while also knowing when to rest and renew our enthusiasm, genuine progress becomes possible.
Practice patience with those closest to you
The best place to practise patience is not with strangers but with the people already in your life—your partner, family, friends and colleagues. These relationships provide countless opportunities to strengthen patience in practical ways. As we cultivate patience with those closest to us, it becomes possible to extend it more widely.
Patience is one of the most practical qualities we can develop. Every difficulty becomes an opportunity to weaken habits of anger, worry and agitation while strengthening habits of calm, wisdom and compassion.
Making patience your natural response
Every moment of patience strengthens the habit of patience. Through repeated acquaintance, patience gradually becomes your natural response to life’s difficulties.
For further reading see Transforming the mind of anger
For information about classes and retreats held at our meditation centre in Melbourne VIC, please visit tibetanbuddhistsociety.org